<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>fake smile by daffodilwine</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27972812">fake smile</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/daffodilwine/pseuds/daffodilwine'>daffodilwine</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>One Direction (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Feminine Harry Styles, Gender Dysphoria, Insecure Harry, Jimmy Kimmel 2015 Canon Fic, Let Harry Wear Lipstick Goddamit!, Lou Teasdale is a Bitch Whats New, Louis Tomlinson Calls Harry Styles Pet Names, M/M, No Smut, Transgender, Transphobia, louis is a sweetheart, supportive Louis</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 15:53:31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,490</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27972812</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/daffodilwine/pseuds/daffodilwine</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“Were you lying?”<br/>Louis was more than confused.<br/>“What do you mean, baby? Did I do s-,”<br/>“Were you lying when you said it was okay?” Harry interrupts quietly, insecurity sewn into his voice. “That being feminine was okay?”</p><p>or</p><p>the canon fic about the time Harry begged for 20 minutes to keep his lipstick on for Jimmy Kimmel and they didn't let him.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>211</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>DW One Shots</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>fake smile</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Heyo!<br/>I've been working on one shots as well as a new chaptered fic lately since I've put my other fic on hold, so here is one of them!<br/>I've always loved Harry's ambiguity when it comes to gender and especially since fine line came out, I think it's very possible that he may be trans.<br/>I wanted to write this moment because it must have been so upsetting to him and I know for a fact that Louis helped Harry come to terms with himself like he always does. </p><p>Please leave kudos!</p><p>Follow me on:<br/>instagram: @daffodilwine<br/>twitter: @DaffodilWine<br/>tumblr: @daffodilwine</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Louis was sat in the makeup chair with Lou while waiting to go onto Jimmy Kimmel's show. Niall and Liam had just finished their makeup and hair (so had Harry, but he was taking a wee and had to talk to Lou's assistant), so they started blasting their "get pumped" playlist (don't ask) and were jumping on and off the cushy brown leather couch while fighting over a bag of crisps. The noise was leaning towards being unbearably irritating and Louis was about to go join the fight until Harry returned to the dressing room from a trip to the toilets and completely took his attention away. </p><p><br/>
 His acknowledgment of the things surrounding him and the brushes gliding across his face completely disintegrated and all he could do was watch his sweet, gentle boy walk to the corner of the room as if he were ashamed of something. Harry's head hung low, his eyes might as well be fogged and small sniffles were projected into the room. His somber aura hit Louis like a bus while Harry crowded himself in the corner of the room. </p><p><br/>
 Louis' heart broke because <em>why wouldn't it break at the sight of the defeated boy? Why is he so upset? What happened? I need to go see what's wrong. </em></p><p><br/>
 He stood up with heady determination and left behind a thoroughly confused Lou as he crossed the room over to where Harry sat quietly. Louis could tell he was crying from Harry's frantically shaking shoulders and the tears dripping from his face that rested on his pulled-up knees, and Louis could tell that Harry was particularly more upset than he normally was when he's stressed before interviews (because of the endless questions and separation) so he knew there was something else bothering him. </p><p><br/>
 Over at the makeup station, Lou stood with her hip popped out as she irritably leaned on the counter, but Louis couldn't give a single shit. Both Liam and Niall eyed him curiously while referencing at Harry, silently asking if Louis knows what's happened. He shrugged while holding a concerned look as if to say he's going to find out. </p><p><br/>
 Once Louis made it over to his boyfriend, he tried to lift Harry's face so he could look at him and tell him everything was going to be okay, but Harry forced his head to stay down through every effort Louis exerted. <em>Something's really wrong. </em></p><p><br/>
 "Harry, baby, what's happening? Are you okay?" Louis whispered while resting his hands in the garden of curls in front of him. The contact seemed to ease some of Harry's anxieties if his stable shoulders and deep breaths were anything to go off of, but all he did for a response was a slow, excruciating head shake. Unfortunately, the tears hadn't stopped and neither did the pitiful sniffles. Louis' heart throbbed at how untouchable Harry was at that moment; how not even <em>he</em> could pull Harry out of the darkness that surrounded him. </p><p><br/>
 He crouched to the ground so he could level his sight with Harry's face and found it to be a rich red with blotchy skin saturated with tears. His precious lips looked chapped and sore from the excessive biting and his expression was twisted in a heartbreaking grimace riddled with trembles. Louis suddenly felt the urge to cry for himself after seeing the love of his life in such disarray. He was absolutely helpless. </p><p><br/>
 "Baby tell me. It's okay, darling," He says as he runs his fingers over Harry's cheekbones. </p><p><br/>
 Harry squeezes his eyes shut to allow more tears to fall as he took a deep breath, seemingly to collect himself before he spoke to Louis. </p><p><br/>
 "I'll tell you after, okay?" Harry barely even reached a whisper, just his mouth moving to form the solemn beg as his lips created the soft sounds of each word. Louis pursed his lips with sad eyes as he tried to find what words to say and whether or not he should just wait like Harry was asking or to keep pushing the subject. He desperately wanted to avoid Harry having to go on the show and perform in more ways than one, but they were out of time. It had to wait.</p><p><br/>
 "Okay… Okay, baby. I love you. So much. Everything's gonna be okay." </p><p><br/>
 Harry took another deep breath and wiped his tears away while harshly sniffing up the mucus that gathered in his sinuses. He simply nodded and pulled off the most wretched fake smile Louis could ever imagine. All he could do was hug his miserable boyfriend and give him the most loving forehead kiss he could muster so that Harry could still feel his love and comfort even when Louis wasn't available to give it. Harry blandly stood to his feet and walked over to Lou, most likely to make sure he didn't look like he was just letting out the excruciating silent sobs he'd just got under control, and Louis rested his arms that held his head in his hands on his knees, staying crouched in the corner, frozen in grief.</p><p><br/>
 He could see Niall and Liam walking over in trepidation to hear what was wrong, so Louis heaved himself off the ground and turned to them, desperate to feel some support until Louis was finally able to talk to Harry. </p><p><br/>
 "What's wrong with 'im, mate?"</p><p><br/>
 "Is he alright?" </p><p><br/>
 The two immediately jumped in with questions that Louis didn't have the answers to, and he was overwhelmed. His mind was riddled with images of how broken Harry had looked just mere seconds ago, which only led him down the rabbit hole of every single moment his boyfriend had been that upset. It was that bad when they were told to hide the fact that they were together and when he was needlessly bullied online and his self-esteem crashed, when they could never interact or sit near each other, when Harry started being exploited and abused with his method of bearding, and when Louis was told to act like he loved and was devoted to someone else… Louis felt like right <em>shit</em>. </p><p><br/>
 "I don't know. He said we'd talk after the show. I jus' want to know what the fuck 'appened to him. I fucking hate this!" Louis growled through his harsh frustration and desperation while kicking the leg of the couch. Tears brimmed his blue eyes. He was so <em>tired</em> of hurting, and even more exhausted of seeing his sweet Harry hurt so much.</p><p><br/>
 Liam walked to Louis and gave him a quick but comforting hug, knowing that when Louis gets like this, he needs both comfort and space. </p><p><br/>
 "I'm so sorry. Just make it through the show, yeah? And then everything will be okay; if you know how to do anything, it's putting on a fake smile. Same with H," Liam reasoned. His face was laced in sincerity and the advice gave Louis the tiniest board to hold onto to keep from drowning before he hit land. Niall gave Louis a comforting squeeze on the shoulder and that was right when the producer of the show popped in to give notice that they were on in two minutes. Louis took a deep breath and pep talked himself into believing that the show would go well. </p><p><br/>
-</p><p><br/>
 Louis was paying special attention to Harry throughout the entirety of the show to determine whether he needed more support than they usually are allowed to give, but he was… fine. Just fine. And that broke Louis' heart in two. Harry's been put through so many awful things these past few years and because of his "image", he's had to pretend for so long that he can so quickly flip the switch and seem perfectly happy. Louis noticed that in pockets of silence in Harry's voice he was distracted and a little down, but if you weren't paying attention, you wouldn't notice a thing. It was sick and Louis felt a fire spark behind his eyes, feeling how angry and frustrated and frankly <em>disturbed</em> at how they were kids when this started. Kids. And Harry was <em>still</em> so goddamn young, but the world tended to forget that. It was all about sex appeal and money and those things did nothing for them except break them. <em>Maybe that's the point...</em></p><p><br/>
 They currently sat in a black SUV that always transported them back to their house, and it was obvious the armor Harry had built up was cracking. He had misty eyes and his lip trembled a couple of times a minute, and he still hadn't even looked Louis in the eye- opting to hold his hand but turning his whole body to face the window and scooted snug against the door. </p><p><br/>
 When they finally arrived home after the tense and somber car ride, Harry sped ahead of Louis, and he could see the tears spilling and the sobs starting as Harry neared their front door. Louis quickly gave a nod to say thank you to the driver and then jogged after Harry, riddled with concerned panic. God, he hated this so much. </p><p><br/>
 Louis could hear Harry over in their bedroom already as he cried so heartbreakingly loud and hysterical- Louis himself was now crying as well, completely done with seeing the most important person in the universe break over and over again. Harry, of all people, never deserves to feel this way- ever. He deserves love and support and happiness and privacy and a family like what he's wanted for years now, but they aren't so lucky. At those thoughts, Louis gently padded his way into their shared bedroom that sat dark and sad with a slight chill, as if it were mirroring how Harry felt at the moment. He turned on the light and tried to stop his crying so he can help his boy without exacerbating the situation. Once he finally got his shit together, Louis walked on eggshells over to Harry's body sprawled across their duvet and sat down gently next to his legs, then softly tickling Harry's back while his sobs continued to wrack through him. </p><p><br/>
 Louis knew he could comfort and wait for Harry all night, but he couldn't handle watching him any longer so he tried to finally get him to talk. </p><p><br/>
 "My sweet baby… please tell me what's wrong so I can make it better. I love you so much, and I c-can't stand seeing you this way," Louis said shakily through his own tears.</p><p><br/>
 "Lou-ou-ou-u," he said with his sobs breaking up his words. His voice was so small and insecure, and he still hasn't moved. Harry sounded so abundantly wrecked that Louis could almost convince himself that the cries were over multiple broken bones. Louis decided he couldn't take it anymore, so he crawled over Harry's body and settled his front against Harry's back as he bent his legs to kneel on each side of his beautiful waist, wrapped his arms around Harry's chest, and held onto him like he wasn't going to ever see him again.</p><p> <br/>
 Harry's sobs got even louder and soul-crushing at the action, but he covered Louis' arms with his own and held on for dear life. </p><p><br/>
 After about 10 minutes of his continued amplified cries, Harry finally reduced to sporadic yelps and small sniffles and whimpers. Louis knew that any minute now Harry would start talking so he continued cuddling into his body and making sure that Harry felt protected and safe from whatever had happened. Sure enough, tiny whispers began pouring out of Harry's mouth. </p><p><br/>
 "Were you lying?" </p><p><br/>
 Louis was more than confused. </p><p><br/>
 "What do you mean, baby? Did I do s-,"</p><p><br/>
 "Were you lying when you said it was okay?" Harry interrupts quietly, insecurity sewn into his voice. "That being feminine was okay?" Louis' head shot up in shock. <em>Did someone tell him it wasn't? Fuck that.</em> He immediately voiced his thoughts after driving himself crazy with anger and was no longer crying. Far from it.</p><p><br/>
 "Of course not! I would never. I love you, not your gender. I just want you to be happy and safe and free. You sharing that with me was such an amazing privilege and I'm so happy to know all of you and that you trust me with that too. I love you, Haz," Louis articulates at Harry after sitting them both up to face each other. Louis dragged his thumb across Harry's cheek before resting his hand on the side of his face and Harry nodded and faced down as a new batch of tears escaped his beautiful eyes. </p><p><br/>
 "Did someone tell you it wasn't okay? Is that why you're so upset?" </p><p><br/>
 Harry rested his face in his hands and let out another excruciating sob.</p><p><br/>
 "After Lou did my makeup, I um, I asked if I could add something and she said it was okay, so I put on some lipstick a-and I really liked it, but she sent her assistant out with me when um, I was about to wee and then suddenly several p-producers were there and they were all so… so <em>angry</em> about it,"</p><p><br/>
 Louis was fuming. </p><p><br/>
 "They kept telling me to take it off and that they d-don't what that on their show… I-I stood there for twenty minutes just begging to keep it on, but they kept hassling me so when I went to the toilets, they followed me in a-and didn't leave me alone until I washed it o-off and I felt so fucking worthless, Lou! It's like every time you or I convince myself that it's okay and that it's just who I am just brings along something like this, again! They called me a fag and a tranny and showed no mercy to me at all even though I just sat there fucking sobbing my eyes out! There <em>must</em> be something wrong with it, <em>right</em>? I feel so embarrassed about it, I'm so humiliated! Everyone is gonna know! They're going to talk about how pathetic and disgusting I am because of it! At least that's what they told me and what they believed! So, you were lying and here you are lying again! Stop saying it's okay because it's clearly not!" </p><p><br/>
 Louis was still incredibly angry, but his solemnity overpowered the need to yell. He needed to fix this.</p><p><br/>
 "There is nothing wrong with it! There isn't! It's just like how people think it's wrong to be gay, but we're still gay, right? We're still respectable people who deserve love and support, right? I love you no matter what! Every time I see you like this it breaks my heart beyond repair and especially seeing you pretend around me. You are who you a-"</p><p><br/>
 "That's not true! It's not! You fell in love with me when I was still so confused, and you loved me through the time where I knew but I didn't tell you and I acted the same as I did before because I knew this would happen! Nobody loves me anymore! Our fans don't support us, Lou! They don't support even the possibility! How could they support me? How? I just- I can't Louis! I'm not good enough, maybe I've n-never been good enough! I ca-"</p><p><br/>
 "Enough!" Louis screamed as tears glazed his cheeks. He was trembling with pain and rage and he couldn't believe the words that had just come out of his boy's mouth. </p><p><br/>
 The energy was tense and they both sat stunned and sad. Louis felt like pulling all of his hair out and screaming at the top of his lungs while punching as many holes in the wall as he could. He could trash the entire room and smash all their plates and then cuddle Harry for days on end while telling him that everything was alright and that he loved him more than anyone in the world. He would rather die than listen to another second of Harry degrading himself. </p><p><br/>
 "Haz," Louis starts calmly, hoping to comfort Harry instead of scaring him. "You can't keep doing this. I won't listen to another word. I didn't know I could love someone this much; it's terrifying the amount of love and devotion I have for you. I've loved you ever since we met in those goddamn toilets. Do you remember how you were back then?" Louis asks, waiting for an answer. Harry nods.</p><p><br/>
 "You were so free. You loved to dress up and make everyone laugh by wearing that cheerleading uniform or a frilly Disney princess dress! You don't know but it was then when I saw <em>you</em>. I saw your happy eyes and your overwhelming confidence. I saw you wearing them in the bathroom after a shower before changing into your own clothes. I've known this entire time. Nothing has changed my love for you one bit. I <em>know</em> you, baby. " </p><p><br/>
 Harry was silent and curled in on himself, terrified of showing his weaknesses in front of his boyfriend, but Louis didn't care about any of that because he crawled over to Harry so he could hold him tight once more and let him know that it was okay. </p><p><br/>
 Harry's body immediately went pliant to his touch and he sobbed into Louis' shoulder without holding back. His shame was still radiating off of him and he was still apprehensive over what Louis had just told him, but it felt like he didn't have a single bone in his body. He's completely lost control and he's left to Louis' mercy, ever so desperate to just disappear or wish the whole situation away. He never wants to leave or have not met Louis and he would fall apart if he lost him, so Harry tries to trust him in this, even if it's just a little bit. </p><p><br/>
 "Can," Harry rasps quietly, "Can you maybe refer to me while we're alone as a girl? I- I just want to see how it would feel. Boy just doesn't feel right- It... it hasn't in a while, but I'm not ready to tell e-everyone else about it. J-just you," he says while hiding his face in the crook of Louis' neck.</p><p><br/>
 Louis squeezed Harry even tighter, pet his curls on the back of his neck, and then left a tender kiss on the side of his neck. Louis loves him so much.</p><p><br/>
 "Of course, baby girl. I'll do anything you need me to," Louis confirmed in a soft, sweet whisper. It made Harry lose his composure and fall forward to Louis' chest flinging his arms around him and hugging, desperately seeking the comfort and love Louis' body always provided. </p><p><br/>
 "Thank you," Harry whispers through gentle sobs. "Thank you."</p><p><br/>
 "I'll buy you so many beautiful things and I'll make you feel so pretty and loved no matter what, sweetheart. I'll love the gorgeous makeup you will try, and you will never feel like you're not enough ever again. You are my world, baby. And I'll be able to talk about my real girl instead whenever some dickhead of an interviewer asks me about Eleanor."</p><p><br/>
 Harry giggled and it made Louis break into his winning sunshine smile. They hugged for a little longer until Louis went to make some tea for the both of them downstairs. As he grabbed the mugs and put the kettle on, his mind flooded with everything he could do for Harry now that he's finally opened up about this after five years. He thinks of the simple things like buying him pretty things and taking him to get his nails done, even referring to his genitals as a female's instead of a male's during sex. He'd already seen discomfort in Harry's face whenever he changed clothes or put on pants and it shattered his heart every single time, and he wouldn't allow it to go on any longer. Louis was close friends with several trans people, so he's no stranger to the monster and shadow that dysphoria can bring, and he doesn't want Harry to feel that way <em>ever, </em>or at least ever again.</p><p><br/>
 Once the tea was ready, he sauntered over to their room once again and walked through the door to see Harry standing in front of their body mirror with a dainty, pale pink skirt around his waist. Harry hadn't noticed Louis' presence yet, so Louis was able to admire Harry staring at his reflection with eyes full of contentment and happiness. It was like he finally found a way to blow the storm clouds away and experience a beautiful summer day. Louis was still staring at the sight, overcome with pride and love for his Harry. </p><p><br/>
 "D-do you like it...?" Harry asks unsure. Louis saw his face that was full of fear and discomfort and he smiled knowing that all these insecurities would wash away when Harry saw how much Louis fucking loved it and thought Harry was the most beautiful, precious creature the world had to offer.</p><p><br/>
 "I do, my sweet girl, I certainly do," Louis smirks. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you so much for reading! I hope you liked it and if you did, please leave kudos and/or comment! I'd love feedback and I'm willing to take requests for any one shots you'd like to see! </p><p>Follow me on:<br/>instagram: @daffodilwine<br/>twitter: @DaffodilWine<br/>tumblr: @daffodilwine</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>